Innocent owls? Really? Yeah…the last guy who thought that ended up with the nickname Pelletboy.

Just where do you think you are on the food chain, huh? At the top? Did some science teacher tell you that? What do science teachers know anyway? It wasn’t too long ago that Mrs. Lishwitz was teaching her students that the earth was flat. Don’t trust science teachers and don’t trust these owls.

These perched attack owls are feathered ninjas waiting for you to drop your guard for just a second. These strigiformes (had to look that word up, didn’t you?) are birds of prey. They’ll eat your toes off and nibble on your nose. They are not to be trifled with.

King Leamon was the last person to trifle with them and he ended up in a very compromising position with a one-legged hooker, a half empty can of beer, missing the little toe on this left foot, an extra tattoo, and a new piercing that he’s not sharing with anyone. This t-shirt was designed as a warning. Never—NEVER—fall asleep around vicious attack owls.

Wearing this t-shirt is a warning to yourself and your friends...unless, of course, you want them to have a one-legged hooker story. All right. Fine. Wearing this t-shirt is warning to yourself and the friends you like.

This shirt needs special care in addition to normal washing instructions as B.O. will just piss them off. You’ll need to feed them an average of nine mice a month. They’ll only eat at night. They’re like Santa Clause. Do you ever see that fat jerk steal…I mean…eat your cookies? No. You skip down the stairs in the morning thinking of milk and cookies and all you get are crumbs, a drizzle of spoiled milk, and some boxes in pretty paper.

If you treat these owls well and befriend them, there’s a strong chance that they will come alive at night and protect you from Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Chupacabra, but they’ll probably still eat your toes.