Notice the razor-like talons and the sharp focused eyes. Is it fighting over a perch or a mouse? Either way it’ll be a brutal bloody battle to very end. *Spoiler alert* Just flip the shirt over to see how it ends.

Josh Graham went all Goodall to capture this moment. (If you didn’t get the Jane Goodall reference, google her. The rest of this paragraph won’t make much sense without it. We’ll wait.) He spent years in the wild and diligently learned their ways. He covered himself in feathers and an especially concocted mouse scent. He bravely earned their trust and acceptance. Once he had their love, he taught one of them sign language which was very difficult considering feathers don’t bend so well. Although Josh had to eventually return to human civilization, he forever left a piece of himself with the owls.

This shirt graphically depicts the moment he knew he was accepted in their parliament. (Don’t look at me like that. A group of owls is called a parliament. You didn’t think something as majestic as an owl would be connected to the oh-so-common word “flock”, did you?) The parliament defended him from a rogue falcon. The kill shot was so moving he emblazoned the silence upon his mind. (Google is your friend. A group of owls in flight is called a silence.) This brutal loyalty signifies Via Vengeance.

Wearing this shirt symbolizes your understanding of this profound moment between man and beast. It also clearly states that you believe in the attack owls and that you want to communicate with them via sign language—the silent language of the silence (see what I did there?). It represents your status as an attack owl ambassador (called Joshes in honor of Josh’s personal sacrifice). Additionally, the shirt connects you via a blood pact with Via Vengeance. (You don’t want Josh’s sacrifice to be in vain, do you?)

Innocent owls? Really? Yeah…the last guy who thought that ended up with the nickname Pelletboy.

Just where do you think you are on the food chain, huh? At the top? Did some science teacher tell you that? What do science teachers know anyway? It wasn’t too long ago that Mrs. Lishwitz was teaching her students that the earth was flat. Don’t trust science teachers and don’t trust these owls.

These perched attack owls are feathered ninjas waiting for you to drop your guard for just a second. These strigiformes (had to look that word up, didn’t you?) are birds of prey. They’ll eat your toes off and nibble on your nose. They are not to be trifled with.

King Leamon was the last person to trifle with them and he ended up in a very compromising position with a one-legged hooker, a half empty can of beer, missing the little toe on this left foot, an extra tattoo, and a new piercing that he’s not sharing with anyone. This t-shirt was designed as a warning. Never—NEVER—fall asleep around vicious attack owls.

Wearing this t-shirt is a warning to yourself and your friends...unless, of course, you want them to have a one-legged hooker story. All right. Fine. Wearing this t-shirt is warning to yourself and the friends you like.

This shirt needs special care in addition to normal washing instructions as B.O. will just piss them off. You’ll need to feed them an average of nine mice a month. They’ll only eat at night. They’re like Santa Clause. Do you ever see that fat jerk steal…I mean…eat your cookies? No. You skip down the stairs in the morning thinking of milk and cookies and all you get are crumbs, a drizzle of spoiled milk, and some boxes in pretty paper.

If you treat these owls well and befriend them, there’s a strong chance that they will come alive at night and protect you from Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Chupacabra, but they’ll probably still eat your toes.